Monday, August 13, 2007

Just call me wallflower...

I've been feeling a little down lately. My lack of friends around here has me bummed. I know a few girls, but the time it takes to really get to know someone seems daunting. The fact that I look at it that way reinforces the feeling that I haven't really clicked with anyone. And the activities we do tend to be overplanned and contrived. Not that I don't enjoy the excursions, but we are so busying doing stuff that we hardly connect. And I think my need for connection has done a number on my personal filter.

I'm spewing thoughts and feelings without really stopping to think.

I've always been pretty opinionated. However, I'd like to think that over the past few years I've managed to keep the idea that I could quite possibly, even probably, be mistaken about many of my beliefs. Or, at very least, I try to understand why someone may feel differently. I enjoy debating topics such as politics, religion and ethics. I KNOW. Never a good idea. Unless you know people really well. And, like I said, I don't. And like I also said, I lake to debate. Which probably comes across as judgemental. Or even worse, has me saying things for the sake of making a point, not because I honestly think it.

With my close friends, I feel comfortable diving into taboo territory...because I know they really get me. I want people to question me about my beliefs. It helps me to know myself better. And let's me realize when I'm not really thinking things through. I so miss the ability to freely discuss and be wrong. And disagree. And hash out the differences and respect those differences. These are not things you should do with people who don't already know you well. Who won't hold it against you or judge you...or at least, just a little. And I can't expect that from everybody. I suppose that's what makes true friends, friends. They are willing to listen to your bullshit, call you out on it, throw in some of their own and you still end up repsecting and loving each other in spite of all the self righteousness.

Oh, and this is all compounded due to my lame need for people to like me.

It's a problem.

So I'm going to start shutting up a bit.


amy. said...

Ugh, this sucks. I felt that way for almost a year after I moved here until I finally found my true mama friends. You'll find your niche, you just have to hang in there. Out of the 20 or so moms in my "playgroup" I really only connect well with maybe 3 of them. It took a while for me to realize it was okay for me to just call up one mom that I liked to hang out instead of trying to do the group thing. That little baby time is so hard for so many reasons, this being one of them. If you ever feel like talking politics, you know where to find me. I just watched a killer Ralph Nader documentary last night...

KL said...

Thanks mama. You're the best.

You're absolutely right about getting stuck with the group thing. I've been slack about contacting some ladies I've enjoyed hanging with (um, rocker, you there?) and have gotten kinda caught up in the planned group's just so easy when someone sends you an email that says Where/When/What.

rockergirrl said...

oh I'm here and I can totally relate. 6 years now I have been a mother in this town and I yet to have a "group" to call my own. I just don't jive with the planned weekly groups. I have tried to push my way into a few and it just doesn't work for me. Even the few close friends I do have here who now have kids I never see. It amazes me every day how incredibly hard it is to just get together with someone. I am loud and wrong but willing to listen. Can we just say fuck it and hang out already?